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Tomorrow, I will turn 30.I cannot even tell you how happy I am about that. I can't remember the last time I was excited about a birthday. I just assumed that, for all of my adult life, birthdays would not matter anymore. It's just another day.But not this one. At this time in my life, I'm so happy to be leaving this last decade behind. I'll gather in my arms the few beautiful things my 20's brought me and carry them with me into the next decade, and I will leave behind the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, the living for other people, the shame, the feelings of failure.

I finally feel like I know who I am. I know what I really want. And I believe that more good things are on my horizon. I am happy. I am not content... I am still moving forward, evolving, changing and growing, as I still feel I'm not quite grown up, but I am happy. Happy about what I know about myself, happy about where this path is leading me, happy about my relationships, happy about all that I've learned to embrace... and that includes the fact that I've accepted I'm an anxious worrier on a mood swing rollercoaster - and that is ok. Self acceptance is powerful. I'm learning to deal with myself, to ask for what I need, to apologize when I'm off balance and it's affecting someone else. Speaking of apologies, I've learned to NOT apologize for how I feel, rather apologize for how I act or react toward others when I have those feelings. That was a big revelation for me and very freeing.

I've received unexpected birthday cards and gifts in the mail. Evan's parents have spoiled me. They sent an iPod home that makes nature sounds to (that nature sounds thing was actually important to me), and they sent me a book AND an adorable day dress from ModCloth that I had been drooling over. I feel spoiled. And instead of going out on the town for my birthday, I've decided Evan and I will take the girls to my grandparents' for pumpkin carving, marshmallow roasting and camping. My sister and her family will come out tomorrow as well. AND- we may have brunch with my Dad and Diann on Sunday. I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday than with the people who bring me the most joy- Evan, Anna and Amy. I feel very lucky, very blessed. Happy 30th to me.

Old and New

Everything prior to this post was written in various blogs prior to 2008 and imported into this blog for simplicity's sake. Life was rough then.

My focus has shifted, the heartache is all but healed, and so this blog will become something new... because life really is Just Glorious here in Texas, raising daughters. Stay tuned.

Anna Loree-an independent spirit since '01. She never hides what she feels. We often mirror each others' emotions, and she's taught me so much about myself. Sometimes crazy & loud, sometimes scarily insightful. She's also taught me the true meaning of patience. Her affections are hard won, and as such, are so rewarding....

And Amy Kathryn- My bright light since '05. Quirky, sweet, cuddly & squishy. She brings the sunshine wherever she goes.

pain and perspective

I love the sting of a shower so hot you can hardly stand to be in it. I love it because of how glorious the relief is when you then step out into the cool air. Everything has its opposite, including pain, both physical and emotional. One doesn't really exist without the other. How much more can you enjoy a victory when the battle was hard fought? The end of a race is so much more gratifying when you pushed yourself to the limit getting there. And when life's great rewards seem out of your reach, you learn to appreciate all the small accomplishments. When your heart is truly aching, you learn to recognize each small kindness. The destruction of a fire gives way to unprecedented growth and reproduction. Agony eventually gives way to ecstasy. So I appreciate pain as a great teacher. I like frustration and sorrow and injury too, not because of the way they actually feel while I'm experiencing them, but because of the way they amplify joy and elation and pleasure. I do not regret life's unpleasant experiences because, without them, I'd have missed out on some very important lessons... and how much more might I have missed?

Anna wrote a poem for me:)

My love's hair is brown, she has green
eyes, and her favorite colors are blue and green
and she loves to read Shel Silverstein
books, and she most of all loves me!

by Anna Jackson, age 7

my comedian

Me: "Amy, I think my coffee is ready. Can you smell it?"
Amy: "I will not accept coffee in my mouth. I would like chocolate milk."
Seriously. The way she says things always cracks me up:)

work and worry

Hard work pays off... in a promotion. In a very nice place to live. In respect from my coworkers and my family. In neatly dressed children.And still I want so desperately to get away, to move someplace remote where life is slower, quieter, greener. Everything about my life sometimes feels like a trap. And yet, I know I'm so lucky. I'm so very lucky to live where I live and have the job I have when so many people are struggling, have lost everything they had financially, have lost everything they had in love, have lost a parent, a best friend, or their child. And I've been so much worse off with no money, no job, no place to live. I have SO MUCH. But I want so much more... and so much less.I want crickets and wind chimes instead of engines and air conditioners, more music and less internet. But I've no idea how to obtain that. I want to pack up and move to a place where I can start over with my girls, hopefully with good friends, where I can grow a garden and have chickens and think and write and create and breathe and be.I've been dreaming of kittens and beetles. Not a great combination.I'm in a wonderful relationship though. And I feel loved. And respected. And comfortable. And I love him.