a heart that never learns

I have a heart that never learns. As a result it gets broken and bruised, but the joy it felt during the falling keeps it going, keeps it hoping. I've never been good at hiding my emotions. I think that often leaves me far too serious, too stand-offish, and I've been told unapproachable because I don't know how to feign interest, and I'm not instant friends with the people I meet. But the friends I do make are lifelong friends. When someone clicks with me, I'm an open book to them, I have nothing to hide or hold back. My smiles are never fake, and I don't speak words I don't really mean, maybe too intense at times and too blunt at others. I'd rather not say anything at all than to speak without a purpose. I feel I approach new situations with an open mind as well as an open heart, but I think my optimism can blind me to reality. It happens so rarely that I feel I've actually made a connection with someone, though every now and then I finally do, that it's completely baffling to me when it turns out I was the only one who felt it. Maybe that makes me foolish, which is something that I don't want to be. My mind is restless wondering how I could have been so completely mistaken, replaying every conversation, every situation over and over again, looking for the signs I missed. It's a painful process when the answers can't be found.And yet I remain hopeful... And I'm not even looking for a Happily Ever After... just the opportunity to recreate joy, to share in the fun, to draw the smiles to the surface and enjoy the moments that become memories that cause me to smile later as I remember them. I have friends and family who tell me to live more guarded, that I shouldn't be so trusting or gullible or naive, to have a game plan, to be prepared for the inevitable let-down, but I don't even know how to. I don't know how to be more than I am or less than I am or to choose parts of myself to reveal and others not to. Plans usually fail anyway. Life is so much better if you just LIVE it instead of planning it, and if I remain withdrawn and afraid of what might happen if I try again or if I let go, I'll miss so much, maybe even the best parts. If I could, maybe I'd have avoided the confusion and the disappointment... but then I'd have missed the moments. Those few moments when I felt really happy, when I felt carefree and excited and filled with anticipation... and the ones where I felt adored and beautiful and comfortable... the moments that still make me smile. I never know where I'll find those moments, maybe a couple weeks, more likely a couple more years, but the fact that they happened reminds me that they still can, and if I'm patient, they will. So instead of learning my lesson, I'm more hopeful than ever:)