relationship ramble

sometimes when you're walking the path you've got to walk, you can't see where you're going or even where you've been until you make it to the next crossroads and look back. sometimes it takes watching someone else go through the same thing to have any kind of objective view of your own situation. emotions so often blind us to reality, but... I guess what you feel is your reality in the moment. perception is everything, right? I feel like I'm finally walking out from under the big, dark, threatening storm cloud that's been following me around for the past few years. I've talked about this cloud a lot, my constant companion, the only way I could think to describe the way I felt about my life - in spite of my blessings. I'm just beginning to feel the sun on my face, but I still can't shake the mud off my shoes, the mud that reminds me of what I've been walking through.
I know this now: once you've crossed a threshhold, there's no going back. We were married for over 5 years before he ever raised his voice at me. But once he did, it was easier to escalate to that point each time there was a rift... or even a ripple. Eventually, what time dinner was ready or whether or not the laundry was folded on the same day it was washed was worthy of an all-out war. And it was daily. When you expect it to happen, it isn't hard to find something to fight about... you're looking for it. Once you've crossed a line, you don't step back over it... you inch up closer to the next one. Once you've opened the door to namecalling and hateful words, you forget how to "agree to disagree." And although you appologize later and you want to take those things back, you never really can. Words thrown at you in anger stick, they stick to your heart where they sink in and take hold where love used to reside... and resentment starts to build. You then doubt the compliments, you look at positive dialogue with a wary eye, uncertain if you can believe it anymore. And once you've laid your hands on each other in anger, those hands never feel the same in love. Sometimes you can manage to behave yourselves and things will run smoothly for a few weeks, even months... but when stress arrives, as it always does, the old patterns of aggression and defense return. And knowing that it's coming, fear replaces faith in your relationship.
I also know that to WANT to forgive and forget is much easier than actually accomplishing that once either of you has shared with another lover what you should have reserved for each other, and that may not even go so far as a physical transgression, but even an emotional connection can do the same kind of damage. A heart just does not love the same after that... you have a need to protect yourself, to be cautious, to be wary so that if and when it happens again, you aren't so crushed. You become untrusting, jealous. You want to get back to what you felt before when you fell in love in the beginning, so you become more passionate. You're more affectionate, at home and in public, the "I love yous" and "Darlin's" are always on your lips... as if you have to convince yourself as much as him or her and everyone around you that everything will be okay... as if you can force it to be. The sex even gets better. But there are some things you can never wash your hands of... and even if the heart loves through it, your mind does not forget it. You're no longer free to love with reckless abandon, to fall back on each other with your eyes closed. You start looking out for yourself instead, and it drives another wedge. We tried for more than 2 years to walk the path of "forgive & forget" and ended up hurting far worse than if we'd called it quits the first time we separated. Sometimes it's even harder to let go of the promise than the person, and you don't want to be the quitter.
I've also learned that you grieve the death of a marriage, just as you do the death of a person - with the same steps (and most relationships that last more than year are much more like a marriage than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. your breakup really is a divorce, you just don't have to have a judge's say-so). The first, the ugliest and often the longest phase of break-up grief is denial. You aren't forced to accept the reality of the death of your relationship b/c both of you are still alive and fighting for it. You do the separate, then back together, separate, then back together dance, and each time you pry yourselves apart again, more of you is left stuck to the other: it's like trying to open a grilled cheese sandwich. You can't make a clean break. Your lives are entertwined, not just your hearts. You belong in each other's families, you share your possessions, and your memories aren't even your own because you did all those things together. Your shared lives are routine, comfort, habit. It's hard to accept that you're never going to be the same... and your life will not be what it was before. But once you realize that you will be ok, your families will still love you, and that you're now giving yourselves the opportunity for something less destructive, something better, the acceptance is relief like a late August rain. Let yourself stand in it. And then keep walking.
I don't know where I was going with this. I generally need to talk things out with myself by writing them down: emotions come through my fingers much more freely than my mouth. And one of the things I still have a hard time with is my need to share my thoughts with someone and realizing that I'm on my own now. There's not someone waiting to hear what I have to say at the end of the day or to occupy my time with their stories, and that's ok, but it's still new. I've been left alone with my thoughts, and it's crowded in here! So, I reach out through blogs and e-mails, bulletins and text messages. Having someone respond and feeling understood feeds me still.